SKETCH - The tale of how Hucking fell

Go down

SKETCH - The tale of how Hucking fell

Post  Sockworth on Mon Apr 05, 2010 11:36 am

Hi there! Whilst I will be encouraging people to post in the 'secret' board (and I have put up a few more sketches over there myself), I thought that as a show of good faith I'd post a sketch here in the open. As with most of my ideas, it needs a little polishing - so feel free to make any suggestions. It's an old-timey-style sketch with silliness and wordplay.

EDIT: Our member davidbofinger kindly emailed me a detailed critique from a writer's POV, to help tighten it up. Yes, I admit it ... my writing can be sloppy. I haven't taken many of his suggestions in yet (I intend to!) but if you have any further ideas for how to make this thing move faster, please pass them on - I can take the heat! (PS I know my military references are off, which is almost inexcusable given that so many of my friends are in the military ... but no; no real intention to fix that at this stage. For now I've just made the military titles ridiculous as a compomise.)

---

Setting: Army trenches. A messenger (Pt. SNIFTER) is being instructed by PEPPER.

(A nice desk plaque reading something like MAJOR GENERAL MINOR POOBAH SGT PEPPER (CRACKED, ESQ) (MR.) could be good here.)

PEPPER: Snifter, we find ourselves in extremely dire cisrumstances. Sgt Frederick Hucking has fallen at the hands of the enemy. You know who Hucking was, Snifter?
SNIFTER: Yes, sir. Frederick Hucking is the brave hero who fights for our freedom from the oppressive—
PEPPER: He’s snuffed it.
SNIFTER: Dead?
PEPPER: As a doornail.
SNIFTER: But so much hinged on him.

[Sorry, everyone. Couldn't help myself.]

PEPPER clouts SNIFTER about the head.

PEPPER: Very well, Private. Hucking is as dead as Private Snifter.
SNIFTER: But I’m not—
PEPPER: Keep pushing me, boy.
SNIFTER: Oh.
PEPPER: This is a disaster, Snifter. Hucking was our only hope, our only real shot at winning this damned war. He was killed in hand-to-hand unarmed combat in the early hours of this morning when he singlehandedly infiltrated enemy ranks. I need you to relay the tale of what happened to Hucking to Brigadier Dugong-Pratt-Wharfington-Pollywaffle forthwith.
SNIFTER: Forthwith?
PEPPER: Hereupon!
PEPPER: (Confused) Hereupon ...?
SNIFTER: Anon. Post-haste. Tout de suite. With utmost alacrity and celerity.
SNIFTER: What?
PEPPER: Now!
SNIFTER: Yes, sir! (Starts to leave.)
PEPPER: (Grabbing SNIFTER by the collar.) Get back here! The brigadier needs to have the full account of what happened and we can’t use the telephone because we think the enemy may be listening in. (CUT to enemy soldier sitting next to PEPPER’s phone, looking very interested. davidbofinger suggests having PEPPER fart loudly and the German soldier burst into tears, wailing 'Ah, the smell of my mother's sauerkraut!'.) Now I’m going to tell you the story of how Frederick Hucking fell. I’m going to tell it once, and send you on your way. I won’t repeat myself.
SNIFTER: Yes, sir. Understood, sir.
PEPPER: Right. Now, listen carefully. (Looks around to make sure no-one is listening; moves away from the enemy soldier at the telephone.) Our full fair fearful freedom fighter Frederick Hucking faced a field of fifty frightful foes, and five-and-forty fighters fell afoul of Frederick’s furiously flailing fists, but five ferocious fighters followed Frederick far and fast as Fred fled from field to field till finally, full forlorn, Fred found no further force for ducking foes in fields, so Hucking fell. (To Snifter.) Have you got that, lad?

SNIFTER simply looks stunned.

PEPPER: Come on, lad, it’s only a short story and, by fortuitous coincidence, most of the words in it seem to start with the same letter. So it should be nice and easy to remember.
SNIFTER: But—
PEPPER: But nothing. Any doornail could tell that story, so come on: repeat the story back to me so I know you’ve got it.
SNIFTER: (Slowly) Our full fair fancy—
PEPPER: Fearful! Fearful, lad, not fancy!
SNIFTER: (Stammering) —fearful freedom fighter Frederick Hucking faced a field of fifty frightful foes, and five-and-forty fighters fell afoul of Frederick’s furiously flailing fists, but five ferocious fighters followed Frederick far and fast as Fred fled from field to field till finally, full forlorn, Fred found no further force for ducking foes in fields, so fucking hell.
PEPPER: (Slaps Snifter.) Language, boyo!
SNIFTER: (Hastily correcting himself) Hucking fell! I meant Hucking fell!
PEPPER: Start again.
SNIFTER: It’s all right, sir, I’ve got it. It’s Hucking fell.
PEPPER: You’re damned right it’s Hucking fell. Now tell it again. Give me an account of how Hucking fell.
SNIFTER: Our full fair fearful freedom fighter Frederick Hucking faced a field of fifty frightful foes—
PEPPER: Faster!
SNIFTER: (Faster.) —and five-and-forty fighters fell afoul of Frederick’s furiously flailing fists—
PEPPER: Faster lad, there’s a war on—no time to dilly-dally!
SNIFTER: (Faster still.) —but five ferocious fighters followed Frederick far and fast as Fred fled from field to field till finally—
PEPPER: FASTER!
SNIFTER: —full forlorn, Fred found no further force for ducking foes in fields, so f—
PEPPER: Careful.
SNIFTER: So Hucking …
PEPPER: Yes?
SNIFTER: … Fell.
PEPPER: Good. Now go tell Brigadier Dugong-Pratt-Wharfington-Pollywaffle. Godspeed!

SNIFTER salutes hesitantly, gives PEPPER a strange look and wanders awkwardly to the other end of the room. There is a desk there with a small sign reading (something like) Brigadier Dugong-Pratt-Wharfington-Pollywaffle: NO GIRLS ALLOWED.

DUGONG: Come in!

SNIFTER looks a little put off as there is no door. He steps over the imaginary threshold and salutes.

SNIFTER: Urgent message from Sgt Pepper, sir. It’s about how Fred Hucking fell.
DUGONG: Hucking fell! Well, then, hurry up, out with it, lad!
SNIFTER: Yes, sir. (Takes a deep breath and concentrates.) Our full fair fearful freedom fighter Frederick Hucking faced a field of fifty frightful foes, and five-and-forty fighters fell afoul of Frederick’s furiously flailing fists, but five ferocious fighters followed Frederick far and fast as Fred fled from field to field till finally, full forlorn, Fred found no further force for ducking foes in fields, so fu—

CUT to view of exterior. We hear a loud punching sound and DUGONG berating SNIFTER for his use of foul language. SNIFTER is forcefully ejected from the room, looking dishevelled.

DUGONG: (OOV) Right, now come back in and give me the message properly.

SNIFTER sighs, enters the room, walks past PEPPER (giving him a reproachful look), approaches DUGONG's desk and knocks on it.

DUGONG: Enter!
SNIFTER: Urgent message, sir. Sgt Frederick Hucking has fallen at the hands of the enemy.
DUGONG: Get on with it.
SNIFTER: (Bracing himself.) Our full fair fearful freedom fighter Frederick Hucking faced a field of fifty frightful foes, and five-and-forty fighters fell afoul of Frederick’s furiously flailing fists, but five ferocious fighters followed Frederick far and fast as Fred fled from field to field till finally, full forlorn, Fred found no further force for ducking foes in fields, so fuc—

CUT to exterior view of quarters. Punching sound.

DUGONG: (OOV) Do you kiss your mother with those lips, Snifter?
SNIFTER: (OOV) No, sir; these are my spares.
DUGONG: (OOV) GET OUT OF MY QUARTERS!

Once again, SNIFTER is forcefully ejected from the quarters. Poor SNIFTER now has two black eyes, rumpled hair and a torn shirt. With determination and no small measure of pissed-offedness, he pulls out a pen. FADE to black. FADE back in, to SNIFTER hobbling past PEPPER's desk (pausing to give PEPPER a long, scathing look in passing), up to DUGONG's desk and knocking.

SNIFTER: (Calling) Urgent message, sir. Hucking fell.
DUGONG: Come in!

SNIFTER reaches into his pocket, looks DUGONG straight in the eye, slams a piece of paper on his desk and stalks out.

A PRIVATE rushes over to SNIFTER.

PRIVATE: Snifter, have you heard? Operation Valentine is underway. Sgt Pepper wants you to relay an urgent message about the Cupid Stunt.

SNIFTER punches PRIVATE in the face.

PEPPER strides over.

PEPPER: Snifter, did they tell you about Sgt Fitshace?

SNIFTER pokes PEPPER in both eyes, Three Stooges-style.

PEPPER: (Clutching his eyes) Argh—mutiny!
PRIVATE: (Still holding his face) This is serious, Snifter—Fitshace needs help! They were shucking oysters at a special officers’ dinner but it turned out he’s allergic to oysters. You have to tell the medic that Fitshace has had a shucking fit!

SNIFTER pulls out a pistol, aims it at PRIVATE’s head and pulls the trigger. A little triangular flag with the word ‘BANG’ on it comes out.

CUT to two SNIPERS on a distant hill looking through binoculars.

SNIPER 1: Was that the signal?
SNIPER 2: I think so.

The SNIPERS shoot.

SNIPER 1: I still think it would be easier if he just put proper bullets in his own gun.


Last edited by Sockworth on Tue Oct 25, 2011 7:25 am; edited 4 times in total (Reason for editing : New suggestions have come to light)
avatar
Sockworth
Admin

Posts : 16
Join date : 2010-03-04
Location : Holsworthy / North Ryde, NSW

View user profile http://alternativeroute.omgforum.net

Back to top Go down

Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum